So I'm a little late in writing this, though I'm sure if anyone knew I wrote in a blog they have probably long since forgotten by now. I remind myself that this is for me and if someone else can benefit from what I write, then that's more than I could ask for.
Here it is. As of 6/30/11, it marked 6 months living in Colorado. Crazy huh? Time has flown by since I've been here. Despite this, I try not to forget what got me here, how it's made me grow up, and the awesome people I have met and are in my life-that's part of the reason why I write. It makes me not only remember the past 6 months in detail, but also really makes me appreciate all over again what I have found here. Looking back on where I was and how I felt 7 or 8 months ago, it's amazing how fast my life turned around. Not only am I just all around happier, I'm healthy, independent, and proud of the person I am. My friends and family have been nothing but supportive (so to any Colorado friends that read this, I can't even express how important you are to me and thank you so much for being some of the best friends I could ask for.)
With that said, I can't believe how fast this summer has gone. I have decided to document my bucket list on here for two reasons: to remind me that I have things I want to accomplish and to keep writing. This is my bucket list for my first summer in Colorado:
- Find at least 5 new trails to hike
- Climb a 14er
- See the top of Pikes Peak
- Run the Incline at Manitou Springs
- See the Royal Gorge
- Go geocaching
- Go to an outdoor concert
- Go white water rafting
- Visit a hot spring
- Go to the Sand Dunes National Park and Four Corners
- Get an awesome photography shot
- Spend the day on a lake
- Learn to grill, and be good at it-rather minor compared to the rest, but its MY list :-P
I'm sure I'm forgetting something, but that's why my list has been officially documented. It's a pretty ambitious list given how much time is left in summer. I'm up for the challenge :) The goal is to write and photograph something for each item on my list. I know that looking back and reading what I felt after each accomplishment is something I will want to remember (though sharing it with whoever reads this isn't so bad either) Wish me luck!
"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have"
♥
Wow I can't believe I'm pushing the 3 month mark on my last entry (has anyone even noticed?). Time goes fast making moves and making changes. I'm not sure exactly what is prompting me to write tonight, but I'm going to go with it. I think it's because this is the first time I've been back home (which doesn't quite feel like home) since my move to Colorado. It has definitely been a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions since I've left. Bottom line: moving was the best decision I could have ever made. So this entry is all about making choices. This is why...
I had the choice to try and make my life better here in PA. And I did try. Hard. In that case the effort absolutely surpassed the reward I felt. So I made a choice-the choice where a good outcome was completely unknown unless it was set into motion. So I packed up my little car and I drove for 2 days to Colorado. I lived out of my car for a week and a half, I had drama, I lost a job, I found a job. I've cried a little but I've laughed and smiled even more. This is where the reward has surpassed my efforts. And this is why I know I made the right decision to move. Of course it was time consuming and expensive, but the good thing is that since I put my plan to move in motion, it hasn't stopped. In fact it hasn't even slowed down. I find myself waking up early because I want to learn more and do more in a day. I want to workout 2 hours a day and I want to eat healthy foods. I want to be a better friend, daughter, and sister. I want to be a better ME. I mentioned in an old post that my dad said if I moved I would have to "re-invent" myself, which is what I wanted. And now that I sit here and think about it, that is exactly what I've done. I am happy and I'm healthy and in such a good place right now it's almost baffling. And although I don't have love in my life right now, I like focusing on me and I'm ecstatic to know that I'm capable of feeling as good as I do. I am more aware of people and situations that are toxic to my well-being and my happiness, and because of this I have eliminated a lot of unnecessary pain and stress in my life. So what I do know is that when love comes along, it's going to be a damn good healthy relationship, I am sure of that.
So with that said, this is what I've learned: Being afraid to make choices is ok, but it's not ok when that fear becomes so overwhelming that you scare yourself out of doing potentially amazing things. It could turn out to be great or it could be a disaster. But you tried something that you thought was right at the time. Even if it wasn't what you hoped, you can cross it off your list and not live your life wondering "what if" all the time. What kind of life is that? You can accept conditions as they exist or you can accept the responsibility to change them. To try something new. To be a better you. Behind every effort should be a person willing to try. And that makes all the difference between a life of integrity and a life of insufficiency.
"Be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. Talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet. Make all your friends feel there is something special in them. Look at the sunny side of everything. Think only of the best, work only for the best, and expect only the best. Be as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own. Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. Give everyone a smile. Spend so much time improving yourself that you have no time left to criticize others. Be too big for worry and too noble for anger."
♥
You may have noticed a makeover to my blog. Although my puppy is adorable, I feel like since I started writing, by blog has developed personality different than what my title was leading on. I think the change is appropriate for the upcoming series of events in my life. So for anyone who hasn't been paying attention or needs their memory refreshed, I'm moving to Colorado on Tuesday! It's scary, surreal, and exciting all at once. I also can't believe I found the strength somehow to actually follow through this time. For almost a year now, I've been trying to make the move and every single time I scare myself out of it. How many times can someone do that? But not this time. I'm tired of being afraid of going somewhere new, learning new things, and meeting new people. Or as my dad would say "reinventing myself." What an exciting thing for me to be doing. There is so much that I want to do and have planned for myself out there. Compared to the monotony I've been living for the past several months, nothing could be more perfect for me.
It almost makes me wonder why I've been so afraid in the first place. Who am I to put my own life, happiness, and well-being on the back burner? No one else it going to look out for me EXCEPT me. I think I was waiting for everything to just magically fall in place and the perfect time to move would just pop up one day. But I finally realized that there is no "perfect time." There are small windows of opportunities that you need to take advantage of, otherwise they pass you by until another one comes along. Well this was my window, my epiphany. Time to do what's best for me. I came across this message in an email, that is fitting for this huge change in my life:
The way you see the world changes after you start to become who you truly are. Seeking stops. Needing stops. You start to simply just be.
A veil of unconsciousness is lifted and you begin to see clearly why things didn't work out the way they did in the past. You see that if you have gotten what you "thought" you wanted, it would have prevented you from living at your highest potential. When you view the world through the eyes of love you begin to see the oneness of all that is.
No one is below you, no one is above you, everyone is one with the flow of life. When you get to this place, all the chaos and struggle of your life makes sense and you will be able to manifest your heart's desire without delay. To get there, do not run from your fear, instead USE your fear.
Love, success, and all the good stuff emerges as you embrace and use your fear to your advantage. Fear will never go away, but you can become best friends with your fear. There is nothing that you need to chase. When you integrate and become what you are seeking, it will find YOU.
Your job is to show up and get busy becoming the person of your dreams!
Don't allow your fears to take over to the point where you are so completely unhappy and sacrificing what is best for you. You wake up every day and go to sleep every night answering to you, and only you. Did you accomplish something today? Did you do something good for someone else? Did you do something good for YOU? My situation is definitely not ideal or perfect by any means. There are a lot of "unknowns" in my near future. Of course I'm anxious and scared, but for the first time in so long I'm excited for what lies ahead. Bring on the unknowns-I'm ready.
♥
I can't believe how long it's been since I've written on here. Although I'm sure any who have read my blog have forgotten that I even write to begin with. But I didn't forget. In fact, I've come to back to my blog several times since my last entry and just stared at a blank page. I finally have something worth writing about so here it goes:
Somehow I finally managed to find it in me to 1) Decide on moving and 2) Tell my parents I'm moving (<--easily the hardest thing I ever did). For anyone that knows me and my story well enough, it is known that I have struggled with moving for about a year now. And I'm finally doing it-the wheels are officially in motion and I'm anxious and excited and a little scared. I've spent the majority of my life trying to please other people. To the point where my best interests would be much less important. Who knows how many instances in my life I've screwed up because I wanted to make other people happy. I've been in a rut for several months where I have nothing here- to where "home" just doesn't feel like home anymore. I struggled for weeks trying to find the right words to tell my parents. How can anyone accurately explain how they feel? Only you can feel it. I sat down at work today and wrote them a letter and my thoughts seemed to flow a little more clearly. I had to tell them how unhappy I was, and that being only 24 no one should feel how I feel. Like an empty shell where you constantly search for happiness or contentment, yet always seem to come up short handed. That is no way to live- that's not living at all. So after a long talk and a lot of tears, I got an ok and the support I so desperately wanted from my parents (although still with slight hesitation). I feel good, and relieved, and emotionally drained. This next month will be a long and tough one, but only a precursor of adjusting to living in a new place completely. My dad said that "going somewhere completely different and away from your family won't be easy. You're basically reinventing yourself and that can be very hard on a person." Don't get me wrong he is absolutely right but I just looked at him and said "But that's exactly what I WANT to do." I'm excited for some change. I think this new chapter will be a testament to how strong I really am. Because I am strong, I feel it, and I can't wait to show everyone that I can have the life I want. But most importantly, I can't wait to prove to myself that I can. I'm Afraid
by Elaine Wilson
I'm afraid of the future and all it may bring;
Yet I cry over the past and all it held.
Life is a voyage
Trapped in the uncertainty of today
With only the healing of our tears for comfort.
To admit need is to give into weakness
Yet not to approach love is to run from a challenge...
Such is life, for we can neither be winners nor losers -
We are stuck in a void
Due to the allowing of ourselves to be controlled
By the actions of others;
And often as not those actions
And our desires
Were not predestined to be the same
And we are left alone and lonely...
So, we must consider loneliness
As being the ultimate opportunity
To listen to the inner self...
And listen we must
To find the ability to look within
For the answers that plague the soul --
For in all adversities
All we really can depend on
Is that which we started with --
Ourselves…
♥
Tonight, I won't be actually writing in my blog because in yoga tonight, I had the fortune of hearing this poem. It very much describes the place that I am in my life. Enjoy.
The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer
It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain! I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.
♥
I'm not sure if these posts are becoming repetitive but I'm telling you, these little life lessons don't cease to amaze me. I read and heard about this lesson so I think that merits a blog entry. Yesterday I was reading "Eat Pray Love" and came across a part that must have struck a major chord with me because I read it 5 times in a row. It said:
"To find the balance you want this is what you must do. You must keep your feet grounded so firmly on the earth that it's like you have four legs, instead of two. That way, you can stay in the world. But you must stop looking at the world through your head. You must look through your heart instead."
Then today, I was lucky enough to have a private yoga class. After my butt-kicking, I took some time to ask my instructor why we do certain things, like bringing your hands to heart center and inviting in light. We eventually got to the topic of the importance of thinking with your heart and mind as one instead of two totally separate thought processes.
I mean, think about it. Many people in this world spend most of their lives in a job simply for the "benefits" and being around friends that they only kind of like. Why?? To me, this sounds like self-inflicted torture. Why would you want such mediocrity in the only life you'll ever live? I'm sure a lot of it has to do with fear or a sense of comfort and security, but what about taking chances on something you actually WANT to do? The best way I can explain it is to quote what I read in an article:
"The main reason we suffer from this illness of indecision, is that we’ve mistaken the purpose of heart and mind. The heart is like a compass, it’s purpose is to guide the direction our lives should take. Our heart takes a birds eye view on our life and says 'this is where you’re at and this is the direction you need to go.'
Our mind on the other hand isn’t made for making purpose driven decisions. The nature of the mind is that it conceptualizes, organizes and compares information. It does this as best it can and says 'here are the facts, here’s both sides of the story.'
The mind should never be the judge. The mind's job is to compare and contrast. To sort things out and say “this is what I’ve got, do what you want with it.”
But more often than not, our mind isn’t doing that. Our mind is making our choices. What’s worse, is even when we don’t need our mind to be at work, it’s still going. Comparing and contrasting everything.
Have you ever wondered how to tell whether a decision is right? It seems so difficult, doesn’t it? But it becomes so easy when you think 'Is this choice going with me, or against me?' You’ll find that the right choice is immediately evident."
Earlier I mentioned that I asked my yoga instructor the purpose of bringing your hands to heart center. She told me that one hand represents the light, which is all the good in you and the other represents the shadows, which is the "not so good" in you. Bringing them together acknowledges that you accept that your light and shadows represent who you are as a person, and that we all have flaws. It was at that moment that I realized how much more at peace I am with myself since starting yoga 4 months ago.
So there you have it my fellow readers, though you may be few and far between. Whether you're thinking of moving to start (or share) a new life, find a job you love, discover a new hobby, or get in shape, listen to what your heart and mind have to say and things will eventually fall into place. I hope this entry did some good today.
Namaste-“I recognize that within each of us is a place where divinity dwells, and when we are in that place, we are one.”
♥
This will probably be a short and simple entry but this is the first time in weeks where I felt the need to post another life lesson. Since my last post, my life has become quite the whirlwind- Some good and some not so good. I did finally get a big girl job, so that has been very exciting :) But I digress, the lesson I learned seems pretty straightforward and makes me wonder why I didn't think this way before. Maybe I did think about it to some extent but this time it really resonated with me. So here it goes.
After a few weeks I finally went back to yoga. I was feeling super stressed and out of shape so I needed my hour and a half of ass kicking. At the end of the class the teacher was sitting with us and told us about a 60 year old man and the spiritual journey he made to India when he was 16. He said that the ultimate natural goal in life for humans is to find that love and companionship that completes one's life. However, it is impossible to find that love in someone else if you do not whole heartedly love yourself. Which makes sense. How can someone else love you if you don't even love yourself? I know that I like myself and there are parts of myself and my life that I do love, but I don't know if I can say I totally and completely love myself.
So I have decided to work on this- I'm at a good point in my life to do so. I'm going to focus on my life and what's best for me, my new career, and what makes ME happy. I'm the type of girl who always puts others before me-which I enjoy doing but I can't sacrifice my own personal happiness and well-being to do so anymore. I'm going to be a little bit selfish with my needs, and in time I know I will love myself completely and eventually be ready to give that love to someone else.
So if anyone else is in a similar situation, whether it be new beginnings, a recent break-up, a job you hate, or feeling out of shape- keep your head up. Focus on you and what you want and things will eventually fall into place.
"You must love yourself before you love another. By accepting yourself and fully being what you are, your simple presence can make others happy.”
♥
