Taking Chances and Conquering Fears

I can't believe how long it's been since I've written on here. Although I'm sure any who have read my blog have forgotten that I even write to begin with. But I didn't forget. In fact, I've come to back to my blog several times since my last entry and just stared at a blank page. I finally have something worth writing about so here it goes:

Somehow I finally managed to find it in me to 1) Decide on moving and 2) Tell my parents I'm moving (<--easily the hardest thing I ever did). For anyone that knows me and my story well enough, it is known that I have struggled with moving for about a year now. And I'm finally doing it-the wheels are officially in motion and I'm anxious and excited and a little scared. I've spent the majority of my life trying to please other people. To the point where my best interests would be much less important. Who knows how many instances in my life I've screwed up because I wanted to make other people happy. I've been in a rut for several months where I have nothing here- to where "home" just doesn't feel like home anymore. I struggled for weeks trying to find the right words to tell my parents. How can anyone accurately explain how they feel? Only you can feel it. I sat down at work today and wrote them a letter and my thoughts seemed to flow a little more clearly. I had to tell them how unhappy I was, and that being only 24 no one should feel how I feel. Like an empty shell where you constantly search for happiness or contentment, yet always seem to come up short handed. That is no way to live- that's not living at all.

So after a long talk and a lot of tears, I got an ok and the support I so desperately wanted from my parents (although still with slight hesitation). I feel good, and relieved, and emotionally drained. This next month will be a long and tough one, but only a precursor of adjusting to living in a new place completely. My dad said that "going somewhere completely different and away from your family won't be easy. You're basically reinventing yourself and that can be very hard on a person." Don't get me wrong he is absolutely right but I just looked at him and said "But that's exactly what I WANT to do." I'm excited for some change. I think this new chapter will be a testament to how strong I really am. Because I am strong, I feel it, and I can't wait to show everyone that I can have the life I want. But most importantly, I can't wait to prove to myself that I can.

I'm Afraid
by Elaine Wilson

I'm afraid of the future and all it may bring;
Yet I cry over the past and all it held.
Life is a voyage
Trapped in the uncertainty of today
With only the healing of our tears for comfort.

To admit need is to give into weakness
Yet not to approach love is to run from a challenge...
Such is life, for we can neither be winners nor losers -
We are stuck in a void
Due to the allowing of ourselves to be controlled
By the actions of others;
And often as not those actions
And our desires
Were not predestined to be the same
And we are left alone and lonely...

So, we must consider loneliness
As being the ultimate opportunity
To listen to the inner self...
And listen we must
To find the ability to look within
For the answers that plague the soul --

For in all adversities
All we really can depend on
Is that which we started with --
Ourselves…

♥